Thanks for writing about this David. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it; it is deeply upsetting and relatable to so many. My dad was recently diagnosed with dementia and mom is the primary caretaker. It’s a tangled web of issues and anxieties. We luckily live close by but even if we wanted to we couldn’t take them in- we live in an expensive area and have no spare bedroom. Memory care facilities are thousands of dollars a month, way more than our mortgage. One of my deepest fears is something happening to my mom and my dad won’t know what to do or realize it in time. We’ve looked into technology to help but haven’t found a great solution (very open to suggestions). Anyway this is a societal issue with many layers and with such a large boomer generation I expect to hear about it more and more. Again, thanks for highlighting it- always appreciate your POV.
This is a difficult situation for any family in any country but here in the US it has the added difficulty, as you mentioned, of being extremely expensive. I am a nurse at a hospital and we see all the stages of this play out. Not only is our society not set up to handle this gracefully even our architecture and city planning make it difficult and serve to increase isolation.
I wish you the best and the one piece of advice I would give not just you but everyone is: Have the difficult conversations earlier than you think you need to. If you can see “One day we are going to need to do ___”, do that now. Get things written down and signed. Powers of attorney, Proxies, Wills, Do Not Resuscitate orders, etc. These are terrible things to have to think about and having to do that in a hurried manner in a hospital hallway with shitty WiFi and little privacy after something has happened just makes it worse.
Thanks for writing this, Dave. It’s lovely and your points about the ravages of Alzheimer’s and how our culture treats the elderly compared to Asian society are spot on. I do wonder about the Hackmans’ choices. When Gene Hackman stopped acting I read here and there that he chose to be private, reclusive even. They had this massive house, almost like a compound. Betsy was his primary caretaker. Yet there were no regular employees who would have been on site to see that she had died? No one employed to clean? A groundskeeper? No single friend who might have wondered why Betsy didn’t answer a call or text? And whom Betsy might have had as a backup for Gene if this very event of her death occurred?
I’m not blaming the victim really, just noting that choice may have played a part in the outcome. My own parents chose to move to a state away from their children when clearly one f them needed additional care (dementia). Because of tax benefits (!) So, part of this tragedy was I think choice.
I was having similar feelings when I saw the news. There really seems to be a need for all of us to take a step back and reevaluate what is important in this world, and on this planet. There are many opinions of what awaits us once we leave this mortal coil, but the one thing we can all agree on is that we are here right now. We would do right to take care of those who need help in one form or another right now. We can worry and debate what awaits us, but let's not do that at the cost of this existence. We know we have this one. Let's make it the best one for all parties.
In high school I helped care for a man in the end stages of Alzheimer's. It takes everything from you and is relentless. It's so terrifying, in fact, that it's likely a big reason why Western society at large doesn't want to face it.
The boomer generation hoarded wealth at every stage. They were all about pull yourself up by your bootstraps of course their children won’t want to be around them. Just look at the government it’s filled with the elderly who should have retired decades ago no one will have any sympathy for them.
Thanks for writing about this David. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it; it is deeply upsetting and relatable to so many. My dad was recently diagnosed with dementia and mom is the primary caretaker. It’s a tangled web of issues and anxieties. We luckily live close by but even if we wanted to we couldn’t take them in- we live in an expensive area and have no spare bedroom. Memory care facilities are thousands of dollars a month, way more than our mortgage. One of my deepest fears is something happening to my mom and my dad won’t know what to do or realize it in time. We’ve looked into technology to help but haven’t found a great solution (very open to suggestions). Anyway this is a societal issue with many layers and with such a large boomer generation I expect to hear about it more and more. Again, thanks for highlighting it- always appreciate your POV.
This is a difficult situation for any family in any country but here in the US it has the added difficulty, as you mentioned, of being extremely expensive. I am a nurse at a hospital and we see all the stages of this play out. Not only is our society not set up to handle this gracefully even our architecture and city planning make it difficult and serve to increase isolation.
I wish you the best and the one piece of advice I would give not just you but everyone is: Have the difficult conversations earlier than you think you need to. If you can see “One day we are going to need to do ___”, do that now. Get things written down and signed. Powers of attorney, Proxies, Wills, Do Not Resuscitate orders, etc. These are terrible things to have to think about and having to do that in a hurried manner in a hospital hallway with shitty WiFi and little privacy after something has happened just makes it worse.
All the best to your family.
I absolutely agree with all the advice here
just yesterday my wife and i talked about the death of gene hackman and betsy arakawa. it really got to us.
the last time i was so affected by the death of an actor was when robin williams passed away. that one was tragic in a different way.
i enjoy reading all your newsletters.
but the connections you make in this current one are exceptionally thought-provoking and touching. thank you!
it was only at the end of last year that i wondered what had become of him. had i missed his death?
i was reassured when i found a photo of him online showing him, age 93, at a petrol station. still kind of virile.
he was a hero of my childhood and youth and later i admired him a lot for knowing when enough was enough.
you can be a master of your craft, famous and rich. but in the end ...
haunting!
Thanks for writing this, Dave. It’s lovely and your points about the ravages of Alzheimer’s and how our culture treats the elderly compared to Asian society are spot on. I do wonder about the Hackmans’ choices. When Gene Hackman stopped acting I read here and there that he chose to be private, reclusive even. They had this massive house, almost like a compound. Betsy was his primary caretaker. Yet there were no regular employees who would have been on site to see that she had died? No one employed to clean? A groundskeeper? No single friend who might have wondered why Betsy didn’t answer a call or text? And whom Betsy might have had as a backup for Gene if this very event of her death occurred?
I’m not blaming the victim really, just noting that choice may have played a part in the outcome. My own parents chose to move to a state away from their children when clearly one f them needed additional care (dementia). Because of tax benefits (!) So, part of this tragedy was I think choice.
I was having similar feelings when I saw the news. There really seems to be a need for all of us to take a step back and reevaluate what is important in this world, and on this planet. There are many opinions of what awaits us once we leave this mortal coil, but the one thing we can all agree on is that we are here right now. We would do right to take care of those who need help in one form or another right now. We can worry and debate what awaits us, but let's not do that at the cost of this existence. We know we have this one. Let's make it the best one for all parties.
In high school I helped care for a man in the end stages of Alzheimer's. It takes everything from you and is relentless. It's so terrifying, in fact, that it's likely a big reason why Western society at large doesn't want to face it.
Thank you for writing this article!
The boomer generation hoarded wealth at every stage. They were all about pull yourself up by your bootstraps of course their children won’t want to be around them. Just look at the government it’s filled with the elderly who should have retired decades ago no one will have any sympathy for them.